domesticana

Website? Check.

Every night for the past week, I keep telling myself that I'm going to sit down and relax for a few minutes, but here it is going on eleven and I'm still at my desk. Granted I am blogging, but you know, sitting in front of my computer--where my ass has been firmly planted for most of the day--isn't exactly what I had in mind.

Our house website is done though. One more thing to check off my list!

Matt called me from the road yesterday at 4 o'clock to say he was on his way home to shoot the house and was it ready. He gets the job of talented photographer and I am relegated to lowly stylist. But that's okay, he deserves his title. Scrambling around, I went mad-rushing to get it all--dishes, garbage, recycling, beds, toys, bookshelves, tabletops--all of it had to be tidied. And fast--the light was fading... We managed to get all the shots, barely, and then Matt spent the remainder of the evening adjusting curves and saturation and whatnot while I cooked, cleaned and took care of Ella. You're average night really.

This morning I had one of those frustrating experiences where I wanted to do something the 'right way' and was so determined to do so that I wasted hours going about it until I finally just gave up and got it over with. This was not a new thing for me.

Matt uses iView Media to manage his photos, and it has a handy little auto-html generator which he used to make the photo gallery for our website. I found the source code a bit irritating and went about trying to clean it up for no apparent reason other than to appease my aesthetic sensibility considering I will probably never have to touch these pages again. Anyway, after two hours of trying to make a square peg fit into a round hole, I gave up, went back to the original code, tinkered for 20 minutes, and voilà.

www.ravennacharmer.com

Remember that whole omen thing...

Our easy-peasy house sale fell through. The buyers backed out after learning that their homes in Boston are not fairing well in the cooling real estate market there. They called to tell us right before dinner on Friday night, and I didn't know who Matt was talking to as I was setting the table. As we sat down, he lifted his wine glass and said, "Here's to our new buyers." Ever the optimist is he.

Later during dinner, I said, "Okay, don't panic. We'll make it work." He gave me a funny look and said, "Who's panicking? I live for this shit."

It's true. He does. I'm the one trying not to panic. I feel like we're now in this race against the economy. If the housing bubble is starting to burst in Boston, it stands to reason that Seattle is not far behind. I've got this insomnia-pit-of-my-stomach-slightly-desperate feeling that we need to sell it NOW. I'm worried that we won't be able to negotiate a lease-back option, which means our move could be happening much sooner (and more rushed) than we were planning. And then there's that pesky holiday thing...

Matt's bent on doing For Sale By Owner, and anyone who knows him would agree that if anyone can do FSBO, it's Matt. But still. That part is stressing me out too. Fortunately, our former real estate agent, to whom we have sent countless buyers over the years, has agreed to help us out by showing the house when we're out of town NEXT WEEK! and getting all the necessary paraphernalia at her cost. Lock box, signage, etc. She's also going to help us with the deal (should we get one), and we've got a great attorney who can help us with all the particulars. But still. But STILL.

I don't imagine I'd be feeling quite so punchy if I weren't totally swamped with work and bogged down with holiday stuff. Naturally, I decided to make the majority of our Christmas gifts this year, and my list is topping out at 45+ people. I also had the crazy idea to make my holiday cards and buckle down and write one of those family Christmas letters this year. And, I'm trying to get ready to go out of town for a week next Friday.

On a positive note, we're driving down to spend Christmas with my mother-in-law and the fam in San Francisco, and I'm really looking forward to it this year. We did the same thing last year, and it was one of the more pleasant and thoroughly relaxing trips I've had in recent memory. Matt's mom refuses to let anyone into her kitchen. She does all the cooking, grocery shopping, clean-up and dishes. She's crazy about Ella, entertains her endlessly, and is just thrilled that we're coming. Oh yeah, she does all the laundry too. It's the best.

The day after Christmas, Matt and I are taking off for two nights, solo in Sebastopol. We're just going to do some driving around, maybe look at some property, drink great wine, have some fancy meals and enjoy our first 'weekend away'. We've never left Ella overnight with anyone, but I think she's ready and will have a great time at Grandma's. So, at least there's something fun to look forward to.

The stake goes in the ground in front of our house tomorrow or Thursday, and we're planning to launch a website too. I'll post the url when we it's live. Until then.

Omen-shmomen

They're buying it! Our house is sold! I suppose it's only 95% final at this point, but the fact that the buyers are the parents of a friend seems to make it a little more solid even in this early agreement stage. We're hoping to close in 4-6 weeks, but considering we're up against the holidays I'll believe it when it happens.

It feels like we've finally got some move-momentum going though, which is scary, sad and exhilarating all at the same time.

I wonder if Matt's flare-up will miraculously dissipate now that the stress of waiting for their answer is over. Probably.

Bad omens?

For the past week and a half, we've been waiting on pins and needles to hear back from that couple about buying our house. They seemed to really like it the first day, and came back after Thanksgiving for another look. The second visit consisted of lots of build-out talk, and they even drew up some plans. Before they flew home the following week, they gave us a $1000 check as 'earnest money,' and said they would give us their final decision on Monday. They needed some time to let things settle before making it official. Our fingers are firmly crossed.

In the meantime, Matt is having another killer flare-up of his colitis, which I'm sure can be attributed to the stress of this potential sale, the holidays in the retail business, the cold snap and the fact that he ate a piece of pie everyday for breakfast for a week. Idiot. Me as much as him, I suppose. I knew he was indulging in a slice or two for breakfast, and I didn't do anything to stop it. I asked him what he was thinking??, but he said it 'didn't seem to be bothering him.' Famous last words... Granted, they were pies that I had made specifically for Matt and Ella (honey/maple syrup sweetened, spelt, etc.), but still. He knows better.

This bout is accompanied by a relatively new symptom: vomiting. If something doesn't sit well in his tummy, it just comes right back up. If it does stay down, it's going right through him. So, he's not getting ANY nutrients. He's in pretty bad shape, even for Matt. I know it will pass--it always does, but it's such a blow. The worst thing about colitis is that it's an auto-immune thing, which means he's highly susceptible to every stinking thing out there right now. Whenever I hear about bird flu, I think to myself, 'Great, just what we need!' I shouldn't joke... I guess I'm not really.

I mentioned the cold snap factor because the cold weather certainly does seem to play a part in this illness. He always has more flare-ups in the winter, and the cold just makes him miserable. He can't stand to have any cold air on his body. Our house is a blistering 75 degrees right now. Considering that it's 35 outside, you can imagine how expensive these flare-ups can get. I made him sleep downstairs in our electrically-heated guest room last night just so I could turn the main floor heat down to a whopping 70. I heard him wake up in the middle of the night, trudge upstairs and turn it back up. The night before last he cranked it to 78! and turned a space heater on in our room. I slept without a lick on me and felt that sickening desperation I sometimes get in the summer when I'm too hot to sleep. What I endure for this man--it must be love, let me tell you.

As Ella gets older, Matt's bi-monthly flare-ups seem to be having more of an effect on her. She definitely notices that he can't play with her as much, falls asleep on the sofa before and after dinner (her prime Daddy time), and often can't rally to put her to bed. She seems to vacillate between feeling sorry for him, as she demonstrates by tucking him into bed and reading him a story, and wanting to punish him by refusing his hugs or not listening and obeying his requests. She has begun imitating his sick behavior for attention--my tummy hurts Mommy, I'm sleepy, I can't pick up my toys, and she's a pretty convincing little actress. So convincing that I think she convinces herself sometimes. I think we just need to talk to her about it openly. Maybe it's a matter of telling her (as it happens) that there's a beginning and an end to these flare-ups. That he feels rotten for a few days, but that he always gets better.

To top it all off, our store was burglarized again last night. I say again because it was less than a month ago that our cash register was stolen. We got a new one, programmed it the week before last, and lo and behold it was the only thing taken again last night. Ugh. Such a pain in the ass. This time, the  guy (we know it was a white guy in his early 20s because someone saw him do it) broke down the door and generally left a big, nasty mess to clean up today. Of course, the police aren't going to do anything.

Sometimes I kick myself for being superstitious, but I can't help but think that this burglary and the flare-up are bad signs about our potential house sale. Please, please, let me just be silly.

Last minute prep

In typical Matt and Melissa fashion, we are currently running around like lunatics trying to get our house ready to show to some prospective buyers tomorrow at noon. We've known that this couple would be in town for Thanksgiving for the past two months, and yet we did nothing to prepare. We are both the worst procrastinators ever, and only when faced with a deadline like 'tomorrow' do we finally jump and scramble.

We are: moving a bunch of furniture into our storage space and our garage, de-junking every surface, cleaning out our closets, re-caulking the tub, and painting our kitchen and a few spots in the basement. Today.

It's insane.

What am I doing writing this, you're probably wondering? I'm taking a breather... I need it.

As I mentioned, a couple months ago a friend old us that his parents were moving to town and looking for a place where they could live side-by-side but not together. They want entirely separate living spaces, but they still want to be right next door. Matt and I looked at each other and said, "What about our house?" Our day-light basement is built out, has an area that could easily be converted into a kitchen, and it has a private entrance. The upstairs would be great for one person, and as a, you know, married couple they could conceivably share the laundry facilities downstairs. The more we talked about it, the more attractive it seemed to our friend.

His parents don't want to move until Spring, which is about the time we're hoping to leave. According to our friend, his parents are also horrible procrastinators and need a deadline for their move. Perfect. The housing market is insane, particularly in our neighborhood, but the word is that the current boon isn't going to last. So, our hope is to sell it now and lease it back from them for a few months. It could be a win-win situation.

If they don't bite, I'm hoping that all this rushing around will be the precursor to listing the house and trying to find someone else to do the lease back option. I know you can do it, but it seems a little bit more difficult on the open market. We shall see. I'm trying  not to get my hopes up about tomorrow, but it would just be so nice to not have the house sale hanging over our heads!

As soon as the 'showing' is over, I'll be rushing around to get things ready for Thanksgiving at the in-laws. After some finagling, I am bringing the turkey to their house again this year. Last year, my step-mother-in-law was sick, and I offered to bring the feast to her. About a month ago, I said I'd be happy to do it again this year, but she seemed hesitant. Then when I called her on Sunday she asked if the offer was still good. Yippee! I am thrilled! In recent years at their house, turkey-day was a big fat bummer. I know that I can't expect everything to taste the way it did growing up or how I would prepare it at home, but the rest of the family also seemed let down by the attention to detail. One year the turkey practically fell apart—it was so overdone, the mashed potatoes were green (bad potatoes I think) and the pies were from the discount food mart. It was depressing.

Last year, I did that self-basting/covered method with an organic turkey, and it was the best bird any of us had ever tasted. So, I'm very happy to be on turkey duty again this year. My plan is to try brining it, which means I need to get that going tomorrow afternoon. I'd also like to bake a pie for Matt and Ella and get everything ready to make stuffing and gravy.

It's a busy week. I'd better get off my ass and back to work.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Has it really been that long?

So, where have I been, yeah? I can't believe my last entry was in April. It honestly doesn't seem like that many months could have passed.

As much as I've been thinking about blogging, composing little posts in my head, I was a wee bit busy this Summer. Let's see, there was that horrendous work project from the depths of hell--the one that had me up 'til 1am every night for almost a month and my hands aching from so much copy/paste action. Honestly, I had to do so much keyboard shortcut work that I didn't knit for nearly two months. Then there were all the house-guests, one of whom--my mom--stayed with us for five weeks. Then my grandpa and cousin came to visit twice, another cousin showed up for a long weekend, my mother in-law for a few days, and then a week-long stop-off from my dad. All the visits have been very pleasant, but, honestly, they were damn tiring. Then there has been the whole "starting a new company" workload, which has really upped the guilt factor of blogging. All these things, coupled with just feeling blue about still not being pregnant, have been the main things keeping me away. I've been missing it, but at the end of the day I just didn't have the energy, time or gumption.

Before my blog-world sabatical, I kept meaning to write about the pregnancy stuff, but I just wasn't willing to deal with it on this level. I've been torn in so many directions: believing that another baby will come to me when he/she is meant to come; feeling frustrated every month when I get my period again despite our half-assed efforts; trying not to get my hopes up; struggling with how to approach my husband about it each month; feeling happy with my slowly materializing independence now that Ella can get dressed, go to the potty and do a myriad other things without me; dealing with a very, very early miscarriage; contemplating IUI, Clomid and other, what I consider to be, fairly drastic measures; and just generally feeling wave after wave of self-pity as I've watched practically all of my friends get pregnant again, birth, nurse and love another baby. As Ella would say, it's been a "bummer."

In the past few weeks, I feel like I've come to a healthy place in my head about having another baby. All this desire to get pregnant has been fueled by several fires--my desire to get pregnant and have another baby being the brightest burning. Then there's the fact that Matt is 43 going on 44, and I know he won't want to have another baby when he's approaching 50, which puts my plot to have more than one more into serious jeopardy with each passing day. On top of that, Ella reminds me daily that she wants a brother AND a sister. "Maybe tomorrow," she says.

I've always thought I wanted to have a big family, and to be fair, I knew when I got married that three was going to be a compromise on Matt's part. He's a big believer in one-on-one attention with each child, and he's always said he's not sure if he's got enough to give, the way he intends to give, to more than two. But, he has said he's open to considering it, and that he wants to make me happy and understands that I do feel like I have a 'enough to give.' So, for the past two years, as we've been putting our most pathetic feet forward in our attempt to get pregnant again--amid his heath concerns and the pressures of starting new businesses--I've been feeling the heat.

I've also been feeling a little bitter, which is an emotion I truly loathe. I haven't been myself with all this preoccupation and the monthly reminders that I'm probably not going to get the family I've been banking on. I haven't felt like being funny. I haven't wanted to laugh. I've just allowed myself to be consumed by it.

These feelings make me feel so ugly, and I am so over them. A few weeks ago, Matt was talking to Ella during a mini-tantrum, and he said, "El, you can just decide to change your mind. I know you don't want to be grumpy and crying right now. You can decide to change your mind and be happy again." And you know what? She did. She wiped away her tears, sobbed for a few more breaths, picked herself up and changed her mind.

I'm probably at the 'picking herself up' stage. I've stopped feeling resentful of Matt's work ethic and passions--they're not stopping me from having the family I want because those things are a part of him, and the family I want has him in it. I always dreamed of having a warm house with affectionate faces, lots of laughing and that palpable love of a close family. In my dream there were lots of kids in that picture, but what I've been missing during this fog of disappointment is that I have that dream right now. I need to stop waiting and wishing for this or that and start appreciating what I've got.

For the past year, Matt and I have both been consumed with the demands and stresses of starting a new business, and I feel very deeply that now isn't a welcoming time in our lives. I know that our attempts have been half-assed because we both, although unwilling to admit it, have been struggling with the reality of our position. If a baby choses to come anyway, that would be wonderful. But the act of 'trying' is just so, well, trying. I feel confident that, one way or another, I'll have another baby someday. I've just decided that there's no sense rushing what isn't meant to be.

On top of the new company and baby-making woes, we've also been planning on that move I mentioned a long while back. Our plan at this point is to list our house in December with a lease back option for a couple months (tricky, I know), set off in February or March for Hawaii for work reasons for a few months, and then head to Sebastopol by next Fall. Although the Hawaii scenario may sound blissful to some, it's been rough to be in this move purgatory for the past 10 months, and the thought of packing up all our stuff and then spending a few months in Kona before we actually "move" is a little overwhelming. I'm sure by February or March in Seattle, I'll be singing a different tune about hanging in paradise for a couple months though.

So, that's what's been going on with me.