Maybe this month?

For the past five years, almost every single month as my moon time approaches I can't help go through the same thoughts and images in my mind. If I were pregnant now:

What month would the baby be born?
What would I not be able to do in the coming months because I'm pregnant?
What would the baby's astrological sign be?
How would we plan everything with Matt's work?
Are all these tender symptoms premenstrual or a sign of pregnancy?
How will my belly look during the summer?
Will it be a boy or a girl?
Is that blood?

It seems downright silly to allow myself to be so dreamy over and over again, but it's almost like my rational brain has no say in the matter. And then I go through this internal monologue about whether or not to discuss my suspicions with anyone. Maybe just Matt? Maybe just my far-off friends? Okay, no one this month. I'm not really superstitious—I just can't help myself.

So after all that excitement over my 28 day cycles, I'm now sitting on day freakin' 33. I've been debating about whether to test all week, but honestly I can't help feeling like the minute I pee on the stick my cycle will start. And I'm way to cheap to waste the $10. All week long I've waited. Every morning, I'd lie in bed and feel my hot tummy wondering if maybe, just maybe this might be the month.

I successfully determined that my LH surge (which is what the ovulation prediction kit tests) occurred on day 14, but we didn't manage to do anything until day 16. That's not awful timing, but it's not great either. Honestly though, with all the stress in our lives right now, particularly for Matt, I just cannot imagine a worse time, a more improbable time. And yet... You see where this is headed.

But hey, I figured that if I do have a faint line or something (meaning, even if I were miscarrying right now), at least I'd know sperm met egg in there. That's pretty valuable information, right? I'm so neurotic.

So after 5 days of internal debate and sheer stingy willpower, I finally caved this afternoon and bought myself a pregnancy test two-pack, on sale. Comically, I only allowed myself to buy them because I needed to get some cash from my bank, which happens to be located in the Safeway, which happens to carry pregnancy tests. And, hey, if I was going to go in there, I might as well just use the Debit/Money Back option with a purchase...

As an aside, why is it so uncomfortable to buy pregnancy tests. The checker gave me this silly grin, albeit with genuine excitement in his beady little eyes, and I could feel all the other people in line staring at my single purchase on the conveyor belt.

Ack, I wish I weren't such a blusher.

Of course, I went home and debated about whether to hold out for a few days more. What's the rush? That lasted all of three hours. So, finally I peed on the stick and all was for naught. One harsh pink line. Only one.

And now, you know what my brain is saying? Maybe it was just the diluted urine. Maybe I should try again tomorrow first thing. With Ella I didn't get a positive pregnancy test even two weeks after my missed period. Maybe I just don't make a lot of that hormone right away? Maybe, maybe, maybe.

Thank goodness I'm not a depressive person. This sort of crap is enough to send any mama over the edge. Wasn't I just saying that I have my head around not trying too hard right now? I do. I totally do. Except when I'm premenstrual and 5 days late!

Comments

[Sarah]

Such willpower! I think I've been daft enough to take a test when I already strated my period (it could be implantation bleeding, right?) I would definatly wait a few days and test again. I hope that you get your dream.

[Amy F]

I'm sorry!